For the second time in three days, I have received mail at my home for my sister. One piece is from an attorney (I can read part of it thru the envelope) and another is from a bill collector. The envelopes are addressed to my sister and say "apartment two". There is no apartment two. This is a single family home and the stupid postal carrier knows it. He also knows I am the only one here and that I always have been. I built this house 30 years ago, and no one else has ever lived here except my hubby, kids and me. I don't let anyone live with me unless I squeezed them out of my loins or am legally slave owned to them. So no stragglers.
So here are my bigger problems other than the wayward mail. I have not had any contact with my sister in almost 10 years. She lives in the big city a dozen or so miles from me, but honestly, I doubt I would recognize her if I was in the same room as her. She is a 30 year or more alcoholic. Her mind is crazed over, she has no job, no disability, no SS benefits, no contact with her one child (who she lost custody of long ago). She lives with and off my mom-mom gets dads pension and a bit of SS (mom is 78).
Adding to the mix is my baby brother of almost 40. He lives with mom and sis too. He also has no job, no income and is---fucked up. Not by birth but by mom and dad spoiling him so bad, he felt he was entitled to everything. He lives off my mom, too. Can you get this nice picture going?? When my dad died 15 years ago, bro took out credit cards and loans in my dad's name months after dad's death. Fraud, I know. You and I are paying for this now with higher rates and he gets away with it. When I confronted him and my mom about it, she covered up and said it wasn't him. I saw the signatures as my daughter and I had power of attorney for mom's bills for a while. Then brother scalded her mind to us, mom got power back and I have not seen her since. (more on that later)
My brother took out a student loan and put me down as a contact number. When the bank called me after he defaulted and they could not find him (he kept the cash and never went to class-you can get it back if you withdraw at a certain time-which is exactly what he intended to do anyways), It was the first time I was put in any position of having to decide what to do. This was 5 years ago. I told the bank the truth, gave them the contacts for him and thought that would be the end of it. It was until this past fall. That is when process servers came to my door at 7 AM. They wanted my sister. Of course this scared the shit out of me having my doorbell ring in darkness of morning. My hubby called the process guy and found out what was going on as far as it was a subpoena for sis and hubby explained that she did not live here, had never and will never. He was given the correct info and told never to come back on our property-or the police would be called. I have a sign on my door telling people to leave me alone basically-I am alone a lot as hubby travels. My dog pitched a fit and it took me a long time to calm him. The server actually tried to get in my back yard (thinking an apartment was back there??) I am now afraid to answer my door at times.
Then the phone calls started-nothing to identify them other than a phone number and a message that they had an important business opportunity. Between that and the politicians calling (I am on the do not call list but some can come thru) I no longer have my phone plugged in. I use my cell and only 5 people have it. Not my brother, mother or sister thank god. I am paying for a phone I cannot use at this point.
So now to the recent letters-I honestly will bet 110% that they are not something my sister did. She is not smart enough to even know how to fill out a credit card application. But my brother is. He has done it before. And probably either forged her name or got her to sign it while she was completely stoned. So the cards or loans came to his house he shared with her and mom, they were maxed out, and he changes the address for it-to my home. He thinks I may just dismiss it and forward to him. But sis would see it, so he is betting that I won't bother as I am estranged from them. That I am sure is what the subpoena was for to begin with. So now what?
I am preparing a letter and sending both of the recent envelopes back to the originating addresses. I have limited contact with the stupid brother, but last time I told him about the process server, I am sure he never told sis-because he KNEW! He also never answers the door but its because of bill collectors for my mom. You see, she turns her checkbook over to him, he doesn't pay the bills and bla bla bla. I just found out their home is in foreclosure and the state will take it for non-payment of taxes. He talked her into getting a mortgage to pay off bills like funeral (my dad basically had no life insurance as he figured mom would die before him) and (the home was paid off before dad died) and then he didn't pay the insurance, so the mortgage company tacked that on and honestly we thought the taxes were part of an escrow, so if somehow they paid off 20% of it, they can cancel the escrow account.
It gets better-my mom is in a nursing home, so now brother has complete control of everything. (I found out from a mutual friend where she was) I am not allowed to see her-unless brother is there. He is so paranoid that I will tell her the truth and he doesn't know what I know about the taxes (which is public record-it was in the papers). I know where she is but if I show up, the police will be called. I sent her flowers and told her I love her but after all the poisoning from my brother, I don't know that I can see her and not have venom thrown at me like she did before (she left nasty messages on my machine). I sorta reconciled myself to her not being "alive" when she told me 9 years ago she wanted nothing to do with me ever again. This was after she wanted money for my brother to go to the "club"-the club being strip joints-she still thinks he was going to the gym (oh forgot to tell you, those credit cards he took out in dad's name? He used the cash advance to pay strippers to touch their tata's). Mom said he would never do that -not her good little Catholic boy. 250 bucks a touch.
He also has committed insurance fraud. Says he has stuff stolen, makes up receipts for stuff he never had or owned. Gets my mom to sign loans every two years for a new car (he actually got a car once saying it was to attract girls-a station wagon?) so somehow this one got stolen, another got trashed, another died and the garage ripped him off fixing it, etc etc. Always someone else's fault. The insurance people called me and I filled them in but he always manages to find someone to pay him off for stuff. Is the entire world this stupid?
I contacted Social Services (filing a possible abuse to the elderly form) hubby was with me as I was ill and had just had major surgery, the Group on Aging (for the same thing), the police-no help was forthcoming. I have another brother (my eyes are rolling here) so no help there, either. I contacted her doctor who just stared at me-so I know little brother has pulled the wool over his eyes too. I asked for a competency test and they asked her who was president and what day it was and she passed. I think I have exhausted everything I can do. I want my brother to "pay" for the havoc he has caused. But I don't hate him. He took both my mom and dad away from me, spread so many lies for years, stole whatever he could (including any affection of family) but I don't hate him. Because I don't hate anyone ever. It's not part of my character to hate.
But I want to hurt him sometimes. He has physically threatened me in the past. I would never meet up with him in private (I would beg him to bring mom out to a public place for dinner on me dozens of times-I would have paid for all three of them including gas) but it never happened. He always told me she was busy etc. Or she didn't want to see us or hated me. The police said they could do nothing unless he actually hurt me-a 400 pounder against a 100 pounder who was sick? Social Services said they would not answer the door or looked like no one was there. Her friends, who used to love me refused to talk to me (some pointing at me in public with dagger eyes) and one is my godmother.
The only thing I did wrong was give a shit about my mom-I was paying to keep food in the house, her lights on and buying her new cloths. There was no money for anything after my brother got hold of her accounts. We saved her 3000 dollars before she made us give her checkbook back-her bills were paid up and on time until then by me and my daughter. By the next morning, it was all gone and the checks bounced again. Hubby and I looked at buying a new house for just her (OMG dog shit all over the one she lives in and I tried to clean it up but got so sick, I nearly died-no one would open a door and let the dogs out to crap). She refused unless bro and sis went too. Two people capable of employment? So no.
And so it goes. Where do I go from here? My mom "died" to me years ago but still I know she is alive and so close-but does she even want to see or know of me anymore? Her mind so poisoned to my love, letting a spoiled brat get away with murder (murder you ask? if he is neglecting my mom like I suspect, it is murder-because she laid in a bed for weeks sick and he never called an ambulance for her. She has lost part of a foot to infection that I know of-is on dialysis-and maybe worse) He also slaughtered even the remotest of affection or relationship I had with them.
In two weeks, he and sis will be without a home when the sheriff posts on the door. If it were just my mom there, I would have no problem paying her bills, all the thousands that are owed, even if it put me into horrible debt-I would buy her a palace if need be. Mom at least is safe in the nursing home, getting washed, fed, correct meds, and is warm. Even as I know she will not go home-she is suffering from septicemia for the third time and will probably die there. I hope the flowers and note (I know they were delivered) let her know I care. I can only imagine what brother said. Did he throw them away? Did he say they were from him?
I cry myself to sleep most nights or turn it over in my head a million times. I have no idea what to do and I feel I have failed as a daughter. All because I said no to her persistent demands that I do whatever she wanted. It was the first time I ever told her no. It took me 44 years to get up the courage to not be abused anymore. I know deep inside I did the right thing-but there is a price to pay for everything. Mine was my mom.
10 comments:
Rule of thumb...what's good for the family is good for the alcoholic... What does this mean? Do whatever it is that you need to do that is good for "you" and by example it will be good for the alcoholic (aka your brother and sister) Continue to live the best life that you can (as you have from the sounds of it). You can't help the alcoholic. Give them to God or whatever HP you choose. Let go and Let God get em'. Trust in God with all your heart and lean not unto you own understanding... it's all you can do.
Your words are heart wrenching. It's an amazing thing what family can do to each other. I am sorry about the relationship with your mom, but in the end it will all come out in the truth, and your mom will see the true evil in her other children, and they will pay, karma is after all a bitch (only fitting) I would seriously change my phone number, and check my credit accounts, after all your brother knows your addy and your other personal info (birthdate, maiden name) who knows what he is capable of after he loses his home. I would even check into legal action about getting the power of attorney back, if you can show the court every illegal thing he has done. Document every little thing. I suspect your mother know the things they have done, and maybe she is scared about what they can do to her. I agree with the comment above, be yourself and live the "good life", you will truly be rewarded. God Bless!
Don't do this to yourself. Your sister is an adult. Your brother is an adult. You don't owe them a damn thing. You don't owe your mom anything, either. You don't get to choose the family you're born into, but once you're grown, you absolutely get to choose which family you participate in. I avoid my dad and my brothers for very much the same reasons. I don't plan to get caught up in that drama bullshit.
You're amazing, doing as much as you've done. You should look at what has happened with your mom less as the price you paid and more as what you did to save your life. Find a mom who loves you - there are lots of women who are surrogate moms, older (or younger) friends who can take the place of your mom emotionally. But don't, don't, don't beat yourself up for rescuing yourself from an insane family. God, don't do that to yourself.
Change your phone number and give it to no one. Send your brother and sister notarized affadavits telling them that you are not going to be a contact for them anymore and they need to remove your name from any of their financial transactions. If you get mail for anyone not in your family, send it back Return to Sender/Addressee Unknown (almost like an Elvis song). I think the mistake you made is in being nice enough to try to help. Don't. Extricate and save yourself. You have your own, real family to take care of.
I am the author of the long bit of anguish here. I wanted to add something. I went to theraphy for 3 years over this whole estrangement and walked out of the last session (I think I knew what was gonna be said that day) when my therapist told me I needed to apologize to my mom. I asked for what? Being born? It was 3 months after I had last talked with mom. I was finally getting physically better from my illness and surgery but mentally I was blown out. I sometimes still am. I am reading a book right now called Toxic People.
http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-People-Ways-Dealing-Miserable/dp/0312152329/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1205729799&sr=1-2
This book and the exposed page from my private blog are better theraphy than any I have had. And way cheaper too! Thank you all for your support. I don't ever want to be bitter like my siblings and mother. Us women have to be courageous in life sometimes (hell, a lot of the time!) and its good that I have cyber buddies to help me thru. I had become semi reclusive in recent years as I am afraid of the hurts that might come with allowing people back into my life again. At least my dog likes me or whatever he is doing to my leg today means ;)
Thanks again-so very much appreciated!
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I just want to say that God knows your heart, ask Him for favor, and the truth will be revealed to others who have judged you...stay strong and I too believe that your Mom will know someday that you are true to her and love her and only want the best for her. It's unfortunate that your brother and sister have brain-washed her, but they will learn a hard lesson if losing the house wasn't enough.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
It's not just in some of us; its in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
So many well meaning therapist do not have the first clue when it comes to addiction. The family is always blamed in some way either directly or implied. For example, when she wanted you to apologize to your mom. WRONGO. Inferring that you somehow had wronged her i.e. indirectly blaming the you family. Therapists and well meaning friends who are uneducated in the world of addiction don't know any better. Even telling someone to be strong is blame because it implies that you are weak and "need to be strong" I much prefer to say to someone, "be serene" vs "be strong" there is noone stronger than someone who "loves" an addict. You want to find serenity you don't need to find strength. Lord knows living with all you have you are stronger than steel. Don't let uneducated people blame you ever. Especially therapists. It's sad really that they don't know any better. I am not a therapist but have dealt with alcoholism and addiction my entire life with my family of origin to my marriage. I am a faithful al-anon member and have read every book ever written on this subject. Unfortunately I am an expert by default. An expert I never wanted to be or asked to be. But if I can help even one person lesson the shame that is forced upon family members of an addictted one. I hope that I can. The others have offered excellent suggestions. See we bitches aren't bitchy all the time. hehe. We can even be nice when we have to but don't provoke us.
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of perfectly fufilling it's obvious role.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."
The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?"
"That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."
"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.
Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."
Each of us has our own unique human flaws. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and dependent on loving and supporting one another . You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the goodness in them.
Remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!
Again a nice metaphor in "normal" situations but cannot be applied to the cycle of addiction. It is just these type of stories applied to an addictive situation that again implies blame on the family. or if you just tried hard enough or if you just accept the person that is flawed (ie alcoholic or addict) they will water flowers in their own way. Acceptance is fine but I am sure that this person tried this over and over with the addict and got no where. Don't attach normal relationship rules to a dysfunctional situation it does nothing but make the situation worse for the family member. The family member is not to blame for the addict. They cannot change it cure it or control it no matter how accepting of the cracked pot (pun)
I saw the metaphor above much differently-you see I am the one who posted it and I was always the one in my family who was considered flawed-because I am not like them-shy is that? I followed a different path-and sometimes I have forgotten-as they tried to drag me off to the right, I struggled and adapted by going left. My husband sent this metaphor to me the other day after he knew how frustrated I had become lately with my disfunctional siblings. He seeded my path and when I pass down it with my tears, I see what he has done to make my path a bit lovelier-my life will never be "normal" but then who's is? I always try to find the yellow in life-and sometimes it's the flowers someone else left for me.
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